I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
