I accidentally had phone sex last night
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
