saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
