I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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