rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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