Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
