I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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