she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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