So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
