i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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