Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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