Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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