I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
