Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
