My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
how do flat chested girls get laid?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
