i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I forget how to act sober
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
