Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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