Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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