Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How's work?
Spinning.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
