My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
