Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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