We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I believe in your delicious
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
