Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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