Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
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