so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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