I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This house was built for laser tag.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
