Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
