Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
