well I can't set my house on fire every night
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
