He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
