also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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