Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
