he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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