there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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