Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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