I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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