I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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