let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
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If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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