She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
