So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
