Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
