we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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