Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
