i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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