i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
