If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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