i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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