Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
