So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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