Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
