So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
