matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
