Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
