she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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