It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
