There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
