apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
