im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
