I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
