your thong is hanging out like whoa
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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