haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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